Sunday, 28 November 2010

MORTIFIED POLICE DENY BEING INJURED BY PONCES

OFFICERS policing yesterday's student demonstrations have returned to work with serious injuries rather than admit they were hurt by some ponce called Ollie.

Many have claimed they were run over by a horse or fell off a drunk woman in a holding cell in a bid stop their colleagues finding out they were banjoed by some humanities-studying dipshit from Buckinghamshire.

Assistant commissioner, Roy Hobbs, said: "If the criminal element know we can be knocked on our arses by somebody sporting an absurd sense of entitlement and a man-bag we may as well set fire to the whole city right now."

Hundreds of protesters were 'kettled' during yesterday's demonstration, drawing comparisons with 1970's Kent State Massacre from a first-year history student with a full bladder and a head full of monkey turd.

But violence erupted as soon as police moved the crowd into a 3G black spot, leaving many unable to update their Twitter feeds with comments that will come back to haunt them when they are earning six figures at HSBC.

One police officer said: "I never thought I'd be kicked in the face by a pair of Doc Martens with daisies painted on them.

"When I got home, I told the wife I was in the evidence lockup pinching the kids some Christmas presents when a load of seized pornorgraphy fell on my head.

"If she knew the truth I'd be little more than a PCSO in her eyes and that's no kind of life."

Ollie Bishop, a furious and passionate 19 year-old from High Wycombe, added: "Gotta get down to it, soldiers are gunning us down. Should have been done long ago. What if you knew her and found her dead on the ground? How can you run when you know?

"Actually - forget that - she's fine. I think she just dropped her iPad."


News story courtesy of The Daily Mash

Thanks to my good friend Blue Eyes for pointing me towards this.

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

More Protests

Zoe Williams - one of the heroes of today.

Quote from Ms Williams: "When I asked them what their motivation was they just said 'we're doing it for fun'. I don't understand that."

Once again, mixed with the worst of human behaviour is the best. The Coppers on the street trying to contain the trouble, and help their injured colleagues, and genuine protestors like Ms Williams and Aaron Porter.


A word of advice to any wannabe protestors - injured officers = PISSED colleagues.

Saturday, 20 November 2010

Blah

Rules Of Blah:

Platinum Card 15 - 30 years service

Officers in the above category are permitted:

1. Unlimited Blah during any tour of duty
2. The right to tell outrageous tall stories and swing the blue lamp without challenge - even if it's obvious they are lies or physically impossible.
3. However, all the above are obliged to mention the miner's strike, the Brixton/Tottenham Riots or any major act of terrorism or civil unrest and imply they played a pivotal role for which they are entitled to humble acclaim

Gold Card 10 - 15 years service

1. Unlimited Blah during any tour of duty
2. All Blah must be factually based, but subject to generous poetic license
3. May be challenged by Platinum cardholders only
4. Any non divisional Blah to be supported by a witnessing officer.

Silver Card 4 - 10 years service

1. Unlimited Blah when supervised by Platinum or Gold cardholders
2. Unsupervised Blah when in company of junior officers - subject to a strict enforcement of no more than an audience of four (4) other officers - none of whom are allowed to hold probationer status
3. May only Blah about any incident attended in company of a senior card holder after that officer has first declined the opportunity to do so or considers the Blah factor to be beneath his exclusive position.

Bronze Card 2 - 4 years service

1. All Blah to be limited to no more than 30 minutes per tour of duty
2. Must consult a Platinum Cardholder about Blah content before addressing the public arena
3. All Blah to be factual and witnessing officer to be present during presentation.
4. Any Blah from a previously worked division to be supported by MG11 from witnessing officer/s
5. Must accept all belittling and ridicule of their Blah efforts in good spirit
6. Under no circumstances to Blah to probationary constables unless supervised by a Platinum Cardholder

Probationary Bronze Card 0 - 2 years service

1. NO BLAH WHATSOEVER

Friday, 12 November 2010

Claire Solomon - Car Crash TV

In this clip, the President of the NUS - Aaron Porter - is in my opinion an example of a good man and someone with principles; also someone with a genuine point to make.

Clare Solomon is none of the above. Watch and enjoy.



Notice how many people in this clip are wearing poppies...? Hint: Clare Solomon isn't.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Peaceful Protest

A Peaceful Protest In our beautiful capital.



























































Our Commissioner says he is 'embarrassed' and that it was all unexpected.
Not unexpected by the troops on the ground, obviously. But I'm sure that penny pinching had nothing to do with parading the bare minimum of officers to try and cope with the thuggery that we suspected would happen. I actually have sympathy with the ideology of the 'real' protestors today, but not the mindless idiots that spoilt it. Or the mindless idiots that supported the violence when they should have been rejecting the actions of the thugs who have done a disservice to the genuine fears many currently in education have.

As one of my mates said whilst we tooled around in a public order carrier last night: "Lack of an overtime budget isn't going to stop them kicking off tomorrow. I mean, we can't just tell them there's no overtime available so they have to go home now. That's not the bosses plan. Is it?"

Gadget can probably put it better than me, and possibly with a hint more objectivity.

I do suspect that this is just a taste of things to come, and that we may well be about to experience a winter of discontent. I know I'm not alone in thinking that, most of my colleagues are also resigned to more protests, and more violence evident in them.

Canteen gossip today is suggesting that the havoc today was planned by our senior management. That we have been hammered in the press so much recently when it comes to public order policing, and the bosses have finally said "sod it, let them get on with it without our interference and see how it works out."
I of course have risen above this level of cynicism - but it'll be interesting to see our future approaches to public order incidents/demonstrations.