Today is Yesterday's Tomorrow

I was drinking with a good friend and colleague of mine recently, and ended up thinking back to my college days. My first kiss was from a girl a couple of years older than me, called Denise.
Her Dad ran the local scrapyard.
The song "Stuck on You" by Lionel Richie was playing and I was frankly terrified.
And slightly bemused, if I'm completely honest.

Anyway, shortly afterwards she broke up with me and went out with my mate Dale. Dale was shorter than most people of our age, but a great footballer. Fair's fair.

Fast forward a year or two (ok, maybe quite a lot more) and I've had my fair share of break ups and break downs.

The interesting thing is that I've managed to break up with and be broken up with, and on each occasion I've managed to do it without involving the Police.
Yet, I often feel I'm in a minority there. As any Police Officer knows, no matter how ridiculous you may think your 'issues' are, our informants from our calls can always beat them.

There is almost nothing that will not be sent down to a patrol unit to deal with. Unfortunately, if a call is a "type 29" - ie a domestic, then a unit will have to attend. Regardless of whether a crime has been committed or even alleged. In fact, regardless if a crime is even possible.
A domestic type call is anything that refers to a call between a husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, exes of any description, siblings, parents, family members and any sexual partners past and present.

In the incestuous estates we inhabit on our day to day patrols, these are most of our suspects, victims and witnesses.

As soon as the domestic tag is applied to a call, then everything that follows is out of our hands. If we attend and there is no allegation at all, no injuries, no hint of violence, then we only have to do the following: Full statement from each party involved; A statement from the officer on scene; A twenty six page domestic violence book; A Full 'non-crime' Crime report on the computer (taking between forty five minutes and an hour and half dependant on typing skills); A seperate computer report on any children or vulnerable people in the premises or involved in any way. So you result the call, justifying your actions. Then complete all the above, justifying your actions. Then you bring all the above to your Sergeant, so he or she can then justify your actions.

Keep in mind that these are for NON crimes. When there has been a crime or an allegation made, then obviously you arrest and all the above is used as evidence.

Amongst the many, many calls I have been to needing all the above for a non-crime domestic are a psychic wife who had had visions that something bad was going to happen to her husband, a woman who had called police because her boyfriend wouldn't get off the computer (relatively common, that), a woman who had called police as her boyfriend had cheated on her and wanted him arrested for it, and many, many "threats" by text. Of the "u slag u shaged tracy an shes got hiv i hop u get cancr" type.

Examples from other officers are always welcome.

I'm in a stable relationship at the moment, but even in my worst relationships I have never felt the need to call my colleagues down to join in. In fact, I've always wanted to keep my private life... well, private.

Am I alone in this?

The Office

An officer I used to work with a couple of years ago was working station officer a few months ago. A very boring post, with little in the way of positive distraction, apart from occasional stray dogs that are brought in and the usual drunks that sometimes come in to the office for a sing, shout, fight, or all three.

This officer was doing the usual thing of desperately trying to find anything on the intranet of any interest to while away the shift, when a woman came in holding the hand of a ten year old boy.

The woman, one of our past 'customers,' marched straight up to the desk and asked the officer if she could use the metal detector. This was when the officer realised that the woman had obviously had previous contact with the police - we keep hand held metal detectors in the custody area which we use for searching our wonderful prisoners. The officer, expecting something to break the monotony of his shift, popped through to custody and brought the 'wand' back.

Before doing anything with the wand, he asked the lady why she wanted it. The woman explained that she had seen her son swallow an AA battery.
She had taken her son to A&E, who had checked him and told her not to worry; so she had come to the Police station to ask the officer to use the wand to find out where the battery was now...

Suffice to say, we did not succeed where the medical professionals had failed.

The A Team

Team mates: Just a list of some of the regular characters that pop up on Police teams. Some are inter-changeable, and I have met people that have been many of them.

It is not exhaustive, not least because there are so many characters; and besides, everyone knows the “brand new probationer officer/pre retirement officer” comparisons. And the brown nosers, the lazy officers, and the vast majority of reasonably hard working people that make up a team.


Tired: Tired is, well, always tired. He (it is always a he) will be late for early turn so regularly that most of the relief will a) know his phone number off by heart, and b) know the route to his front door in a police car when going to give him a “friendly wake up call.” Tired will be late to training days, team meetings, and even late turns... and even manage to be late for night duties sometimes. He suffers from Sticky Mattress Syndrome. Annoyingly, he will usually be up for overtime, all the time, despite the fact his suffering team may want to actually go home. As they need to be up on time for work.

Angry: Angry is angry at everyone, and everything he comes across. This will include: our kit, our cars, other coppers, victims, witnesses, suspects, the calls, the sergeants, the senior management, the quality of tea in the canteen, the smoking ban, any department he has not worked on, any department he has worked on...
This will be made even more annoying as he will seethe constantly and simply moan at anyone close at hand. And tell you what he thinks about everyone else. You can be safe in the knowledge that when he is not posted with you, he will be just as scathing about you. Comes alive in public order situations. Possibly unhinged.

Chipper : Chipper has the morale of someone on very strong anti depressants, and will generally be less than thirty seconds away from a smile, or probably a cackle. Usually a female officer. Chipper will take any and every call and still have the time for a joke with her partner. And a cackle. Often speaks a little too loudly, and laughs after very unfunny jokes. Is the kind of person that holds the team together when morale is at rock bottom. Can be very tiring to work with. Completely unhinged.

Bitter: Bitter is not old enough in service to be accepting about things yet. He or she applied for the area car course, but “don’t give a shit the guvnor gave it to someone else, only did it to make more paperwork for him.” Or failed the sergeants exam, but “only did it for a day out and to prove how easy it was.” Or got passed over to be Acting Sergeant, but “would have refused it anyway, there’s no way I’d want to brown nose like that.” Bitter thinks the job owes him. Unhinged.

Overtime Bandit: Exactly that. They will take calls after handover time, even when there are plenty of units from the next shift available and with cars. Will volunteer for any crappy duty on any crappy posting, but only if money is involved. Otherwise, forget it. Often has an impressive car/flat/collection of new technology and an even more impressive credit card bill.

Home Boy: Tells everybody about his girlfriend/relationship troubles/family history/sexual exploits/financial problems. Just say “no” to any question of his.

Psycho: Possibly ex-military, but not necessarily. Starts the day by looking at pictures inside of his locker, of his “calm place.” Do not interrupt this. Do not try and see said pictures. Do not try and ask him about his calm place. This procedure is not negotiable. Sometimes freezes in conversations and goes misty eyed. Can silence most sober suspects with a "look." Less strong supervisors often fear to tell him anything, although he will unfailingly carry out an order. Icy calm in crazy situations. No fear. Often spends down time staring at nothing muttering to himself. Do not try and have a personal conversation with him. It will not work. Will occasionally be posted with Home Boy by a Duties Sergeant with a wicked sense of humour. Unhinged.

Old Sweat. Never has a pen. Has done everything, ever, in Police work. Will never be surprised at anything. Often underestimated by younger officers, as will stand back in most situations. Never gets griefy crime reports assigned to them. Knows how to “cuff” a job. Capable of surprising everyone in the team with huge displays of compassion and competence when really needed. An endangered species, unlikely to have anything close to a successful personal life, and not much better on a social life, after a long career spent doing earlies, lates and nights. Unhinged.

Eccentric: Eccentric reads a paper half the team haven’t heard of, listens to music no one has heard of, and goes to places no one else would want to. They will have a slightly mysterious past, that gets harder to make sense of the more you know about it. Unlikely to speak in short, concise sentences. Will prevaricate around the bush whenever possible. Is generally liked/tolerated on the relief, but doesn’t have many close friends within it. Will have a love hate relationship with each and every supervisor he or she works with. Will put in official requests for things like time off for “a bi-annual virgin sacrifice” in order to worry Duties. This works wonders when annual leave is needed in a rush. Suspected of being unhinged.


Please add more, the better ones I will add to this post.




I am not going to go on about our pay, except to ask one thing: Jacqui Smith, the best recruiting officer that overseas Police forces have ever had?