Wednesday, 12 December 2007

The A Team

Team mates: Just a list of some of the regular characters that pop up on Police teams. Some are inter-changeable, and I have met people that have been many of them.

It is not exhaustive, not least because there are so many characters; and besides, everyone knows the “brand new probationer officer/pre retirement officer” comparisons. And the brown nosers, the lazy officers, and the vast majority of reasonably hard working people that make up a team.


Tired: Tired is, well, always tired. He (it is always a he) will be late for early turn so regularly that most of the relief will a) know his phone number off by heart, and b) know the route to his front door in a police car when going to give him a “friendly wake up call.” Tired will be late to training days, team meetings, and even late turns... and even manage to be late for night duties sometimes. He suffers from Sticky Mattress Syndrome. Annoyingly, he will usually be up for overtime, all the time, despite the fact his suffering team may want to actually go home. As they need to be up on time for work.

Angry: Angry is angry at everyone, and everything he comes across. This will include: our kit, our cars, other coppers, victims, witnesses, suspects, the calls, the sergeants, the senior management, the quality of tea in the canteen, the smoking ban, any department he has not worked on, any department he has worked on...
This will be made even more annoying as he will seethe constantly and simply moan at anyone close at hand. And tell you what he thinks about everyone else. You can be safe in the knowledge that when he is not posted with you, he will be just as scathing about you. Comes alive in public order situations. Possibly unhinged.

Chipper : Chipper has the morale of someone on very strong anti depressants, and will generally be less than thirty seconds away from a smile, or probably a cackle. Usually a female officer. Chipper will take any and every call and still have the time for a joke with her partner. And a cackle. Often speaks a little too loudly, and laughs after very unfunny jokes. Is the kind of person that holds the team together when morale is at rock bottom. Can be very tiring to work with. Completely unhinged.

Bitter: Bitter is not old enough in service to be accepting about things yet. He or she applied for the area car course, but “don’t give a shit the guvnor gave it to someone else, only did it to make more paperwork for him.” Or failed the sergeants exam, but “only did it for a day out and to prove how easy it was.” Or got passed over to be Acting Sergeant, but “would have refused it anyway, there’s no way I’d want to brown nose like that.” Bitter thinks the job owes him. Unhinged.

Overtime Bandit: Exactly that. They will take calls after handover time, even when there are plenty of units from the next shift available and with cars. Will volunteer for any crappy duty on any crappy posting, but only if money is involved. Otherwise, forget it. Often has an impressive car/flat/collection of new technology and an even more impressive credit card bill.

Home Boy: Tells everybody about his girlfriend/relationship troubles/family history/sexual exploits/financial problems. Just say “no” to any question of his.

Psycho: Possibly ex-military, but not necessarily. Starts the day by looking at pictures inside of his locker, of his “calm place.” Do not interrupt this. Do not try and see said pictures. Do not try and ask him about his calm place. This procedure is not negotiable. Sometimes freezes in conversations and goes misty eyed. Can silence most sober suspects with a "look." Less strong supervisors often fear to tell him anything, although he will unfailingly carry out an order. Icy calm in crazy situations. No fear. Often spends down time staring at nothing muttering to himself. Do not try and have a personal conversation with him. It will not work. Will occasionally be posted with Home Boy by a Duties Sergeant with a wicked sense of humour. Unhinged.

Old Sweat. Never has a pen. Has done everything, ever, in Police work. Will never be surprised at anything. Often underestimated by younger officers, as will stand back in most situations. Never gets griefy crime reports assigned to them. Knows how to “cuff” a job. Capable of surprising everyone in the team with huge displays of compassion and competence when really needed. An endangered species, unlikely to have anything close to a successful personal life, and not much better on a social life, after a long career spent doing earlies, lates and nights. Unhinged.

Eccentric: Eccentric reads a paper half the team haven’t heard of, listens to music no one has heard of, and goes to places no one else would want to. They will have a slightly mysterious past, that gets harder to make sense of the more you know about it. Unlikely to speak in short, concise sentences. Will prevaricate around the bush whenever possible. Is generally liked/tolerated on the relief, but doesn’t have many close friends within it. Will have a love hate relationship with each and every supervisor he or she works with. Will put in official requests for things like time off for “a bi-annual virgin sacrifice” in order to worry Duties. This works wonders when annual leave is needed in a rush. Suspected of being unhinged.


Please add more, the better ones I will add to this post.




I am not going to go on about our pay, except to ask one thing: Jacqui Smith, the best recruiting officer that overseas Police forces have ever had?

10 comments:

"gunner" said...

"psycho"... we had one like him when i was an armoured truck guard. had a bloody arsenal and always buying more, (mind you i've got a few guns myself, but things like the mortgage, pretties for the missus, beans on the tables come first.) "mad brown" we called him, he used to be a college campus security officer and was eager to get into a gun battle, thankfully he never got his wish while working with us. he was also called "hammer down brown", as he only knew one way to drive, pushing a diesel engine flat out to the rev limiter. thankfully he got to annoying a female guard with "unwanted attentions" and the company emptied him out with prejudice. we were glad to see his back.
"gunner"

Metcountymounty said...

My team had all but psycho, eccentric has been moved, tired moved closer to home and is still late to work and has been nicknamed 'donuts' by his new team, got a few angries (though not bitchy ones) the only old sweats are the sgts and we've lost most of our chippers unfortunately, but we still have a pretty damn good team!!!

here's a couple for you - Square. He/she (can be either usually) is able to attend virtually any job, no matter how griefy the initial call and after being on scene for no more than 2 minutes is able to square it up and say "no complaints, no allegations, both parties have left, no need for Police action"
Square doesn't take crime reports unless he/she has a supervisor looking over his/her shoulder, tries to do as little overtime as possible unless its less than 5, usually has a young family.

Nervous - usually at the end of or only just out of probation, nervous is a flapper. It doesn't matter how many times nervous attends the same type of call, he/she will ALWAYS clarify the course of action with someone else. Nervous tries to make more work for him/herself than necessary, just in case he/she gets in trouble for not doing it, even though No ONE will ever find out. Nervous is intelligent but lacks self confidence, is well liked on the team but doesn't attend nights out through fear of hearing or saying something they need to worry about.

Golden Sgt - so called because they are exactly that, no matter how deep you're in it, even if it's actually your fault, golden Sgt will bring forth the firestorms of hades to save your ass. Usually in the last half of service, Golden Sgt has so many fingers in so many pies, has got contacts in the most obscure departments ever that if you need info or help, they're on it. Golden Sgt is referred to by the team by their first name, but always as Sarge to their face through sheer and utter respect for them. You would not hesitate to take a bullet for Golden Sgt, because you know that he/she will do exactly the same for you. In short, a complete and utter legend. If you're lucky you'll have one or two on team, if you have more than 4 then count your blessings and never move.

Gobby - a probationer in their early 20's has seen a bit but not as much as they think they have, is on the wrong on of the learning curve but doesn't realise it yet. He/she thinks that they are cynical, but has no real idea what that means, and everyone else knows it. Works as much as everyone else but swings the lamp from early on, to the occasional annoyance of people on team who have experienced things that gobby has only read about. Moans about postings like front office and gaoler too much, gobby is waiting for their own renaissance to bring their career, lives and experience into perspective. This will come in the form of either an unfortunate shoeing, a huge cock up on their part leading to the much needed help of golden sgt, or if they're lucky, a particularly nasty incident that changes their outlook for ever.

Antipodean said...

Blacker Cat* - No matter what you've done, where you've worked or situations you've been involved in, he (and it is invariably a 'he') has done it first and better.

They have driven faster, had more arrests, fought off more people simultaneously, just to name a few.

Most of the time they are just blowing smoke out of their @rse, so can safely be ignored. They are doing it just to (over)compensate for their own inadequacies.

Rarely, they actually have done all the things they say they have done, in which case they should be treated with respect; these ones are easy to spot, they generally do not go around calling attention to themselves.

(*So called, because if you've seen a black cat, he's seen a blacker one).

Cowboy - They swagger around like they are John Wayne, they talk loudly, they apply a 'arrest first, ask questions later, if at all' philosophy and do not stop to think that their actions can have quite severe repercussions; a complaint about excessive force, a complaint about incivility, tipping a delicate situation into a full blown wrestle on the floor of some filthy house because of their inability to see things other than in black and white.

Usually younger, invariably male. Sometimes, the consequences of the severe repercussions do change their attitude.

Social Worker - These are the coppers that just care too much.

They spend hours with victims sorting out their problems, spend hours talking to parents of wayward children and constantly tell you the reasons why people take up lives of crime, causing you to roll your eyes in frustration.

You look at them and think "You are in the wrong job."

Give them 3-5 years, they get disillusioned and they quit to do something else, generally social work.

Almost invariably they have degrees of some sort or another. Usually, but not always, female.

Sam Tyler said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sam Tyler said...

I like all those above suggestions. It's scary reading them and thinking of people on my team and even myself! (I won't tell you which one)
I think every team has an overtime bandit, but I think we'll see more with the new pay rise we're getting!

We have "squares" on our team - usually the rt driver but we call him spongebob squarepants :)

Sam Tyler said...

I like all those above suggestions. It's scary reading them and thinking of people on my team and even myself! (I won't tell you which one)
I think every team has an overtime bandit, but I think we'll see more with the new pay rise we're getting!

We have "squares" on our team - usually the rt driver but we call him spongebob squarepants :)

thoughts running through my head.... said...

WE DEFINITELY HAVE A GOBBY AND A SOCIAL WORKER AT MY STATION,ALTHOUGH SW HAS NOW GONE OFF TO DO GOOD WORK OR SOMETHING SIMILAR BEHIND A DESK!WE ALSO HAVE A BLACKER CAT WHO TALKS THE TALK BUT CANT WALK THE WALK.
MY SUGGESTION WOULD BE THE 'STAND-OFF'?AN OFFICER WHO AWAYS MANAGES TO BE THE LAST OUT OF THE VAN,IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE OTHER OFFICERS ARRIVE ON SCENE BEFORE HIM/HER,AND WHEN THEY ARE ACTUALLY THERE WHIPS OUT THE POCKET BOOK AND STANDS BACK TAKING NOTES WHILST EVERYONE ELSE IS BUSY,ALWAYS MANAGES NOT TO BE FIRST ON SCENE!

PCFrankyFact said...

We have quite a few that I simply catagorise as Twat!

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GW2 Gold said...

"psycho"... we had one like him when i was an armoured truck guard. had a bloody arsenal and always buying more, (mind you i've got a few guns myself, but things like the mortgage, pretties for the missus, beans on the tables come first.) "mad brown" we called him, he used to be a college campus security officer and was eager to get into a gun battle, thankfully he never got his wish while working with us. he was also called "hammer down brown", as he only knew one way to drive, pushing a diesel engine flat out to the rev limiter. thankfully he got to annoying a female guard with "unwanted attentions" and the company emptied him out with prejudice. we were glad to see his back.
"gunner"www.gogw2.com
GW2 Gold