Saturday, 9 August 2008

Ruffles



More and more, we are starting to worry in our team about our Sergeant.
He has always been on the eccentric side of the camp, and in fact, has happily described himself as "bloody mad" before.

At first, they were minor things. Things that made me chuckle - like when he was put in custody, a prisoner was brought before him, and the good sergeant brought out a coin of foreign denomination with a head on both sides. He then proceeded to tell the prisoner that he was going to decide bail on the flip of the coin, heads no bail, tails you get bail...
He hasn't been posted as Custody Sergeant for a long time.

This, and other striking traits has always endeared him to me. Like many long-serving sergeants, his knowledge of most law is vast and in a critical incident he kicks into action, and obviously knows the vast majority of police procedures back to front. He even nicks people occasionally.
But outside of these kind of incidents, he potters along in a bemused way making jokes that aren't funny and asking questions of officers that have little or no basis in reality.

Recently though (and I appreciate this may give a clue who I actually am), he has taken to going everywhere with a small cuddly toy in tow, the kind of thing you get free with a McDonalds happy meal.

He is inordinately proud of this toy.

He clutches it close whilst talking to senior officers, sits it on the desk whilst supervising crime reports... and chats to it all the while. Even whilst no one is about.
This is fine by me, but some of the other patrol sergeants are starting to get that weary, I've had enough face when sitting opposite a sergeant having an animated conversation with a fluffy toy: "What's that Ruffles? Under the Home Office counting rules this crime report might be better classified as a criminal damage. Hmm, you may be right."

I recently had the pleasure of driving him about on a night duty, and I can testify now that Ruffles (not his real name) was safely buckled into the back of the supervisor's van before I drove anywhere. At one point we went to a fire, and the sergeant got him out to sit on the dashboard.
Apparently Ruffles likes fire.

All this is well and good - the Police has always had a comforting way of welcoming eccentrics into the ranks.
But Ruffles must go.
Our sergeant has started deferring questions to Ruffles. Acting Sergeant Ruffles as we must now call him.
Ruffles has even started countermanding our sergeant's orders.

Last week Ruffles denied an annual leave request I made.

The bear must go.

20 comments:

Girl*Next*Door said...

I have a new puppy that would be very willing to take care of Ruffles....

Just say the word ;o) Lol

And yeah ok, maybe "live in" was a slight exaggeration but you have to admit, it's rather large.

I think we'll leave the jumpsuit at that now, before I give you some sort of complex!

Noddy said...

I see a marketing opportunity for the Guvnor.

weepeecee said...

Oh but imagine if something awful were to happen to Ruffles!
The sergeant might fall to pieces! He might start carrying a rotting chicken leg around with him and letting *that* make all the decision.

I'm on Team Ruffles!

Louise said...

I've recently had the feeling replacing some of our management with Ruffles might be an improvement.

Area Trace No Search said...

At the moment it seems to be 50/50 split on support for me or Ruffles.

Hmm.

XTP said...

Anybody who knocks back an A/L request should be shot - be he man or bear.

PC Michael Pinkstone said...

Brings a new dimension to the phrase 'Bear with me ...'

(sorry)

cooperman said...

it sounds like "Ruffles" needs to be held hostage. after a very smart black operation.

and then inform the sgt that he can have "ruffles" back if he starts to act more sensiblly?

or if all else fails present the bear to a crying child that you meat and watch the sgt try and get him back.

Benj said...

Sounds like someone is preparing the ground to go out on a medical for being mad. (Ruffles probably!)

Area Trace No Search said...

xtp - you are a man/woman after my own heart.

All of the people who have suggestions, I am still thinking of what to do, if anything.

All suggestions are completely welcome.

Cooperman - In his current state, there is a good chance he WOULD wrestle it from a child's arms. Besides, he's a long serving sergeant, he's wise enough not to end up in situations where there might be crying children.

weepeecee said...

Perhaps you could start having your own conversations with Ruffles...

nooffencesdisclosed said...

It sounds to me as though Ruffles is ripe for promotion.

Send him up stairs with three pips on his shoulders. That'll dampen the Sarge's opinion of the little critter.

You may even get some sensible policy decisions from him...

TheBinarySurfer said...

ATNS - Surely this begs for the immortal phrase "The bear told me to do it" when your actions are questioned by a senior officer?

MCM said...

You really are a "law enforcer"

W*nker who had his courage kicked out of him, more like

XTP said...

I'm a "he"

Anonymous said...

Had a sgt who always worse slippers in custody and a another who had a hand puppet that he used to refude bail.

Sparkly Dancer said...

I know a few bigger teddy bears that could eh... have a few words with ruffles...

Either that, or YOU are going to have to introduce the crying child to the situation.. Even if you have to um... "borrow" one ;)

PAY the child if you need to!

Or, get your own bear. And get everyone in your gaff (*insert other word for home to group of police peoples here :) *) to get a bear too.. And EVERYONE has to talk to their bears. Then step it up a notch, and make sure you only talk through the bear. So "well, my bear said this, so I reckon I'll do that." or "s'not my fault, my bear told me to do it that way".

He'll get rid of the bear soon ;)

And the police will get the joy of being well liked again, cos half the kids yee deal with will take them! lol!

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