Friday, 20 February 2009

Toilet Humour


I got called to assist one of our PCSO colleagues the other day.

It was very funny, albeit unintentionally.

Three PCSOs had been on patrol (in an unmarked car) in the town centre, and had been flagged down by an observant elderly gent, who had asked them for some assistance.
He had noticed a couple of young men in a public toilet being slightly more friendly towards each other than was socially acceptable.

The PCSOs promised to help out, then went to the toilet. Funnily, someone else had already called this in on the 999 system, and the CCTV cameras had been pointed at the facilities.
I was in the IBO (Integrated Borough Operations Room) at the time, trying to get a broken radio replaced, and so had a good view of the goings on.

After taking the elderly gent's details, the PCSOs got back in the car, and drove the ten yards to the toilets.
Two got out - obviously the driver wasn't planning on spoiling his day.
The two PCSOs then held a heated conflab outside the entrance to the toilets - I'm guessing they were working out whether they really wanted to get involved in this.
They then both walked back to the car.

Our IBO Supervisor is a canny Sergeant, and he had also been watching. He leant over and spoke into the microphone:
"Bravo X-ray from IBOS, can I have talk through please?"
"Go ahead"
"PCSOs outside Brixley Town Centre Toilets, can I have your shoulder numbers? I take it you're dealing with the nuisance call to them?"
A pause - both PCSOs stopped with the car doors open, then started to walk back to the toilets, defeated.
"Yeah, uh - show 7999 and 7123 dealing"

I started to feel a little pity in the depths of my soul, and said to the Sergeant "I'll go and help them out Sarge, my operator is putting on a crime report but I'm free."
I wondered down to my police car in the yard and started to trundle towards the location, a three minute drive. As I drove, the radio burst into life with a panicked voice: "Bravo X-ray - I need a unit here to assist!"
I started to drive a little harder and reached for the blues, I was very close at this point. "PCSO transmitting from Bravo X-ray, shoulder number, location, what've you got there?"
The breathless response: "Bravo X-ray, there's a man in the toilets and he's masticating!"

Um. I didn't know that was an offence...

Anyway, after recovering from the hilarity I arrived to find the PCSOs waiting safely outside the toilet, having opened a cubicle and spotted a young man entertaining himself before making a sharp exit. He was suitably dealt with, and the PCSOs drove away at speed, thankful to be out of there.

Incidentally, the male wasn't masticating anymore when I went in there.

23 comments:

Chris said...

But...

Was he masticating in the correct toilet?

(http://rantingyorkshireman.blogspot.com/2008/12/toilets.html)

Blue Eyes said...

Were your PCSOs twelve years old?

Chris said...

Can't have been - if they were, they'd have been more likely to go in and get involved - "mastication"'s funny at that age!

Anonymous said...

I'm masticating right now.

Wrigley's are going to be upset to know consuming their products is now a crime.

Blue Eyes said...

I'm afraid these officers appear to lack the required Metropolitan "resilience"...

Noddy said...

You should have sent BTP.....they know how to deal with choo choos!

Louise said...

I bet the shade of red the PCSO's went was something to see!

Officer Dibble said...

Did someone bite off more they could chew?

petoskystone said...

good thing the 'customer' didn't chip a tooth--then an ambulance would've had to show up for transport! :)

nickopotamus said...

Who amongst us hasn't enjoyed the guilty pleasure of masticating in a public toilet?

Hogday said...

An ironic case of Area Traced, No Search. Will this be entered into the annual `value for money` review? Oops, thats the old Federationist in me trying to get back out.

Girl*Next*Door said...

LMAO! I don't know which I'd have done first if it had been me opening the toilet door, laugh or stare pityingly. Some people are very odd...!

Anyway, re your comment on my blog... It's a bit more complicated than "No. Try again next year". I don't know what to do really because lots has changed since I applied.
And I'm not going to use up your comments space by leaving a 50,000 word comment explaining all. :o)

sntpc said...

Hilarious :-) I am constantly tickled by "public love" (even if it's "self-love")

Also very happy to see a return to calls from good old Brixley. Awwww training school memories.

Blue Eyes said...

How long did it take you to drive there? It's just that I find that taking a good long time over my mastication makes for a much more satisfying result. If you do it nice and slowly it allows the juices to build up. Perhaps, suspecting that he had been seen, your customer hurried things along and had already swallowed by the time you got there.

If you had caught him in the act, do you think he would have come quietly?

Chris said...

Brilliant!

Area Trace No Search said...

All classic comments - But Blue Eyes, you have outdone yourself.

SNTPC - yep, Brixley lives on in some of our memories.

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of the judge who told the usher to tell the accused to stop masticating.

Usher said to the accused,

"Judge says you've to take your hands out of your pockets."

Abigail.

powdergirl said...

You've got to wonder what he found so appealing n a public toilet that he had the need to "sample some (of) himself."
Very funny post, sir.

TheBinarySurfer said...

Quite lucky the original complainant didnt call out "Are you ok? Do you need a hand in there"...

Slippery said...

In a similar vein - kinda - I read on a custody sheet relating to a drunk in a cell. The gaoler had done his checks concientiously and recorded them thus:

"prisoner aroused and placed in missionary position"

I kid you not!

Ambulance Driver said...

I've thought about masticating before, too...

...but I'm just not that flexible.

Anonymous said...

A good strange Diablo III Gold event of Location Traced, No Search. Will certainly this kind of possibly be applied for the once-a-year `value for money` critique? Oops, that is the existing Billig Diablo 3 Gold Federationist inside me looking to get out.

Anonymous said...

buy propecia online propecia visible results - propecia generic work