Saturday, 12 January 2008
Drink Drive, Sarge. Sorry.
This is not a funny post; those looking for a funny post should like at my "Skippers and Magic" post - that is also true, but I have been told that it is apparently funny.
This is just good advice.
When I pull you over, after you have left a night club at stupid-o-clock in the morning.
When you have stalled the car in front of me, twice, whilst I am parked up at a junction filling out some paperwork.
When your lights remain stubbornly off in the middle of the night, despite other cars trying to attract your attention.
When it takes me nearly two full minutes of driving behind you with all the warning equipment on to finally attract your attention.
When you try and switch seats with your passenger, and then end up fighting with them as they are not happy to take the grief that is rightfully coming your way...
...I have some advice for you.
When I approach the car, do not call me "Oshcifer" and "Darling" alternately. Neither helps your cause.
When I ask your name, do not start your reply with: "Er... Hang on..."
When you have failed the breath test, do not call the three men in the back of the car out to "sort him out boys!" I may be single crewed, but I am not stupid. CCTV is watching me, and I already have units running to me.
If you are going to do the above - don't put the child locks on. It just cramps your style. Believe me. And your three, big, gangsta wannabes will find it hard to look tough whilst failing to get out of the car.
Do not reply to the custody sergeant's question of "What is your name?" with a vacant look, then "Er..."
If you do end up giving the above reply, do not give a name and birth date that is different from the one that you originally gave me. This WILL end up as yet another charge for you.
Do not offer to "Blow" the Custody Sergeant rather than blow into the station breath machine. He will not find it funny. In fact, he is gay. And obviously so. No matter how short your skirt is, you are not on a winner here.
And finally, and most importantly...
Do NOT flirt outrageously with every male in the Police Station with the intention of being released. Do not stroke the officer's arms with a wink. Do not start to slowly unbutton your top, one by one, as you are waiting to be fingerprinted.
The entertainment for us is very nice, thank you. However, it will not work, you will not be released because of your actions.
More crucially, when you turn up to court in your suit and sensible skirt, with your nice parents in tow, once they (and the whole of the court) have seen the custody CCTV, you will really wish that you had just kept quiet.
Trust me on this.