Saturday, 12 January 2008

Drink Drive, Sarge. Sorry.

This is not a funny post; those looking for a funny post should like at my "Skippers and Magic" post - that is also true, but I have been told that it is apparently funny.

This is just good advice.

When I pull you over, after you have left a night club at stupid-o-clock in the morning.

When you have stalled the car in front of me, twice, whilst I am parked up at a junction filling out some paperwork.

When your lights remain stubbornly off in the middle of the night, despite other cars trying to attract your attention.

When it takes me nearly two full minutes of driving behind you with all the warning equipment on to finally attract your attention.

When you try and switch seats with your passenger, and then end up fighting with them as they are not happy to take the grief that is rightfully coming your way...

...I have some advice for you.

When I approach the car, do not call me "Oshcifer" and "Darling" alternately. Neither helps your cause.

When I ask your name, do not start your reply with: "Er... Hang on..."

When you have failed the breath test, do not call the three men in the back of the car out to "sort him out boys!" I may be single crewed, but I am not stupid. CCTV is watching me, and I already have units running to me.

If you are going to do the above - don't put the child locks on. It just cramps your style. Believe me. And your three, big, gangsta wannabes will find it hard to look tough whilst failing to get out of the car.

Do not reply to the custody sergeant's question of "What is your name?" with a vacant look, then "Er..."

If you do end up giving the above reply, do not give a name and birth date that is different from the one that you originally gave me. This WILL end up as yet another charge for you.

Do not offer to "Blow" the Custody Sergeant rather than blow into the station breath machine. He will not find it funny. In fact, he is gay. And obviously so. No matter how short your skirt is, you are not on a winner here.

And finally, and most importantly...

Do NOT flirt outrageously with every male in the Police Station with the intention of being released. Do not stroke the officer's arms with a wink. Do not start to slowly unbutton your top, one by one, as you are waiting to be fingerprinted.

The entertainment for us is very nice, thank you. However, it will not work, you will not be released because of your actions.

More crucially, when you turn up to court in your suit and sensible skirt, with your nice parents in tow, once they (and the whole of the court) have seen the custody CCTV, you will really wish that you had just kept quiet.

Trust me on this.


Metcountymounty said...

I love getting drink drivers, firstly there is absolutely no excuse for it and it's selfish, secondly it is disrespectful and dangerous to every other person on and anywhere near a road and lastly I love my guvnors face everytime he sees me in custody and says "ah got a bod in I see, is there a detection with it?" to which I say "nope, drink drive" with a resounding grin.

RandomPinkness said...

Hee hee, sorry Area, but this is funny... though still good advice and everything I'm sure. Despite the fact I don’t drink or drive, I'll try and keep it in mind if I ever learn. Though it is quite common for me to respond to questions about myself with a vacant look, then "Er...” And not flirting?... So like, not actually actively flirting... with men... Hmmmm... No, you’re gonna have to run that concept by me again.

Ambo said...

Oh bugger, remind me to stop perving Cops backsides in the cells when picking up 'unconcious after questionings'. Bloody nora, there must be hours of footage of just that!! he he Its not my fault, its those nicely fitting trousers.......!

RandomPinkness said...

ambo, it's a bloody good job I've never been in a police station... I'd never leave!

Emma said...

Excellent post as ever area, I don't do it and never will, and thank you for the all the fluttering of eyelashes and flirting not working.

The only time that worked for me was when I was speeding...ooops, the osifer liked my can imagine the satisfaction you for from doing her...x

Mark said...

I know it's not a laughing matter, Area, but your natural turn of phase is chucklegenic. Of of those things you have to live with, I guess.

Anonymous said...

Ah Metcounty Old Fruit,

There you were ej? Coasting along the highway.

...Cruising as it were.

And then you pick up some perps that your sixth sense gut instinct led you to.

Well done.

Joe90 said...

To be honest, when a person has called me all the names under the sun, threatened me profusely and then decides to play the sweet innocent victim and cry, it makes me laugh like crazy, inside of course.

The law, is the law.

gil said...

hey jo90 - what sort of postersdo you have on your bedroom wall?

twotoast said...

I would just like to add to your comments, and turn it around to the male driver speaking to a female officer. I am ex-West Mids and now living in gorgeous Canada. My advice to male drivers would be . . . .

Drunken smiles and standing up close to the female officer really is not going to help. No thanks, I don't want to be met after work, no, I'm not a lesbian and honestly, calling me 'love' just doesn't cut it.

Yes, I know what I'm doing, and yes , I am allowed out this late at night. I understand that you are driving a very fast car, and I am sure that I would never be able to afford it - but frankly, neither will you when this goes to Court and your insurance company finds out.

Ah yes, happy days :o)

Anonymous said...

Area, you have GOT to write a book, how about a compilation of stories book with your commentary?

Anonymous said...

A message for the earlier anon at 17:51, MetCounty sometimes irritates me too but leave it out already. It has become trolling now even if it wasn't earlier. Haven't you got anything useful you could be doing?

Girl*Next*Door said...

Area, I know this isn't supposed to be funny but I'm sorry, it is.
It's very good advice & serious & rightly so but it's still funny :o)

Sorry, as 'pinkness says, not flirting is not in my vocabulary, even when I try not to flirt I end up flirting, it's a built in thing.

Bet you've had some laughs over the last ditch attempt to release them though, desperation does funny things to people! :o)

Area Trace No Search said...

Hello Everybody.

Firstly, to the people who have come here to fight metcountymounty - I'm not sure why, and I'm sure he's a big boy and can take care of himself, but please do not come to my house to have a fight. It's not that kind of club here.

Pinkness/ambo/Emma/Girl - I'm a big fan of flirting. Please don't stop it. It's only when you expect it to get you out of custody that it really gets a little embarrassing. Especially coupled with alcohol.

Ambo - YOU perving at cops? When a female ambo comes into custody, do you really think there needs to be so many coppers there? Male coppers...?

Twotoast, yes, that is a side that I have seen but obviously never experienced. But very funny, a post by itself. Are you still coppering on the other side of the water?

And Anon - that's very kind about the book, but unfortunately I think the market has been swamped with police/blog type books, PC Blogg's excellent book is still out and Inspector Gadget is about to release a book I have heard. Blame them for spoiling my dreams of world domination...

ambo said...

Last time I play flirted with a cop at a job, he went bright blisteringly red and ran away from me! I felt awful for days for embarrasing the poor guy. Until I met him again at another job and he got his own back, he got me thrown out my own ambulance for having a fit of the giggles.

Area Trace No Search said...

Ambo, unfortunately I would more likely be the first copper than the second. I love ambo crews, and have posted many times about them, but I wouldn't dare flirt openly with them.

Not least because I'm always trying to nick their gucci gloves.

ambo said...

Yeah, you horrors are always stealing them! he he Although it always allows for the gratuitous 'What size are you comment?' he he On that note, I shall stop ;)

Old Man said...

What you wrote is so accurate.

But who has been

"fight[ing] metcountymounty"]?

I noticed nothing but ordinary give and take. Why so sensitive?

Old Man

twotoast said...

Area - I found the key and escaped not only the Police but the UK as well! I planned to join up - but as a female in my 40's, the fitness test was too much . . . and I really could not be bothered to put in the effort, so I couldn't have been that interested :o) I'm also a little concerned about carrying a gun . . . being somewhat accident prone (my right knee was never the same after trying to show some probationers how to open a door with the 'big red key' one night - I swung it backwards and forgot to get out of the way!)

However - I am working as an investigator for the Government and putting my finely honed (???) Police skills to work!

Oh how I miss fighting with drunks on a Saturday night, constant watch of a smelly druggie female, door to door enquiries etc!

Great to hear the stories though - keep it up!


Little Paramedic said...

Area, I am enjoying your blogs a lot!! I'm thinking of starting my own..
Keep up the good work!!

Also, it's a very important part of our job as female ambulance personnel to flirt outrageously with policemanofficers, I'll have you know!


Anonymous said...

Good advice!!

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