Tuesday, 2 December 2008

The Guinea Pigs Have Taken Over The Bank


Of course, as mature as I may pretend to be I am not totally averse to having fun at work sometimes.




One of my more elaborate plots involved someone who had annoyed me considerably - and no, he was not a Senior Officer. Call him Paul.

We had had a little bout of small practical jokes on each other, ending with him doing the traditional "fingerprint ink on the hat band" routine on me.

All very funny.

In retaliation, I started to collect at any opportunity the paper discs, discarded from hole punches - the actual 'holes' you punch out of the paper.

Once I had the correct amount (one 'C' size evidence bag for those interested) I waited in lair for my adversary.
Unfortunately I had to wait a while, as we work in different departments. However, whilst chatting to the garage hand in the yard of the nick one day, who should I see drive up but my sworn enemy.

Paul parked his response vehicle, and wondered in the direction of the canteen.

I approached the car, and with care, tipped the small paper hole punch discs (do they have a name?) into the heating vents of the car.
I then positioned the vents to face towards him, and put all of the fans on to maximum so that when he put the key in the ignition and started the engine they would burst into life.
Oh yes.

I sat myself down with some paperwork, with a view of his car. I was prepared to wait. Then the radio crackled into life: "Any unit available to run the Borough Commander from Bravo X-ray to the council offices at about half eleven, over?"
A pause. Not a popular job.
"Bravo X-ray from Bravo Zulu Two One, I'll run him over when I've finished refs."
"Two-One, that's much appreciated. Bravo X-ray out."
I recognised Paul's voice immediately.

The temptation to let the mini explosion happen to Paul AND the Borough Commander was huge, but I didn't like to think of Paul having to explain the situation to any Senior Officer.

I trotted up to the canteen - "Paul, can I borrow your keys? Just need to move your car."
Back down to the yard. The garage hand came out of his office grinning. "You'll be wanting this then?" He handed me the vacuum cleaner.

The only way to get rid of the eyelets was to flush them out, so I started the car, and experienced the softest explosion known to man kind. It was a little like being in a warm snow storm, as the paper discs fluttered around me.
For a minute, all was peace.
Then I set to work with the vacuum cleaner.
It took me my whole bloody refs break.

You'll be relieved to know I have a plan B though. Glitter. He'll never get that off...

32 comments:

Chapati said...

Ah man! All that time planning and you ended up having to clean up yourself :o(

That would have been an awesome practical joke - thanks for the idea!

And those little bits should be given a name...

Anonymous said...

Aren't they called CHADS?

Read more here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chad_(paper)

Louise said...

Genius! There are a serious of practical jokes occuring on station at the moment.

The last one I ended up on the receiving end of was glucose gel smeared over the steering wheel, gear stick and door handles of the motor. This stuff gets everywhere and is horrible sticky and smelly............. ergh!!

Vetnurse said...

Love it but bummer you had to clean the mess. I do know of someone that had powder and punch hole bits loaded into his parachute by friends of his. Apparently when viewed from the ground it was a spectacular explosion.

I must remember to use the glucose gel....

~~Silk said...

Heh heh. Wait 'til you find out the radio call was a fake.

Lola Snow said...

That is a wonderful idea for a practical joke! I may borrow that one, I'm sure it would work equally well in an airconditioning unit?

i'm particularly looking forward to our office secret santa this year. Never has a better opportunity arisen to give colleagues and bosses inappropriate gifts. Last year I gave my boss a butt plug, I'm thinking the matching love beads could be a winner this year...

Bystander said...

Lucky you aren't a Tory MP.

Sounds like Criminal Damage to me, not to mention Misconduct in a ----oh sod it, I don't care.

Metcountymounty said...

Whats this? an outbreak of morale?!?! This can't do, you should mention it immediately to the borough commander so that they can strip your team strength by half and increase your targets for arrests and stopslips on pain of an overtime and course ban.

~~Silk said...

I'm back.... In answer to your request, yes, of course you may visit, and your friends are welcome, too. I'm now at http://TheSilkenTouch.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 13.49 beat me to it with the chads, but rightly or wrongly, hanging is a criminal offence here ;-)
As for Glitter - it never goes away so you's best not get caught, trouble is the blogosphere is open forum.
Am part of an amdram group that borrows a professional theatre and we have been banned from using it as they were fed up of bits that had kept their static charge for 8 months, suddenly floating down from the rafters during Macbeth or Hamlet.
Picture the scene :"Alas poor Yorrick, is this a skull I see before me?" "No milord, tis glitter, twinkling as the venus star in twilight!"
j

Anonymous said...

We did something similar, but we used the 'holes' punched from computer paper tape, millions of the little so and so's

Tony F

Oi said...

To this day, I dont know what happened to the large live crab I placed in the glovebox of a colleagues car. It apparantly wasnt there when he reached in for some [slightly damp] papers.........

Zed said...

Ooooo, you're so evil that it's a delight to read. I must remember to use that one on my daughters one day ...

Ex-RUC said...

Does rather remind me of the dead fish left inside a certain inspector's office air conditioning. Not that I know anything about it, you understand...

Vetnurse said...

When the other half was young (many moons ago) they had latches you pushed down on doors with your thumb to unlock the door.
My dearest and his mates would stick a drawing pin with a lump of Dog s*** on.
When a person got the drawing pin in their finger they would stick their thumb in their mouth......

Metcountymounty said...

Domino's gloopy icing on the dash side of the steering wheel isn't the slightest bit amusing at 4am :o)

blueknight said...

Choose the locker you want to 'nobble'. Pull it out and lay it flat on the floor, door upwards. Get the master locker key, usually found upstairs in the admin drawers.
Use key to open the locker door. Fill the locker to the brim with the tiny polystyrene packaging balls.
When the locker is completely full, close and lock door, then stand the locker up in its original position.
Stand back and await the 'avalanche'

Steve said...

Sometimes the funniest practical jokes are the ones that backfire on you.

Anonymous said...

The old ones are the best. Taping prawns to the back of the guv'nors drawers in the office is also a favorite. One month and the search for the funny smll goes on........

Girl*Next*Door said...

You are evil. Paper punches are one thing, glitter is entirely another... You do realise it sticks to everything for months & months afterwards?!?! Despite the evilness of it I'm still giggling quietly at the thought.

And just in case the joke backfires again, the best way to remove glitter is with sellotape or masking tape. NOT parcel tape! That would lead to the victim needing skin grafts in all probability!

PC Michael Pinkstone said...

You were lucky you had the chance to use the hoover.

The last time someone played a harmless joke on a colleague at the training centre, it mutated into a racially aggravated criminal damage, all the because the 'victim' took great offence at it all.

It wouldn't be too insane to suggest that in some parallel universe, Scenes of Crime officers are scanning CHADS for incriminating fingerprints.

Parallel universe? What am I thinking?

theevilone said...

muhahhahahaha! Gutted for you that it fired back on you - what a fantastic prank! (Must remember that one for another time!)

Roses said...

Superb! I laughed and laughed. I may very well try that at work.

Blue Eyes said...

Ho ho ho! A "C" bag is quite large if I am not mistaken?!

MCM is right, there should be no time for dicking about like that - get your nose firmly back onto that grindstone!

Slight said...

strapped a haddock onto the exhaust manifold of a mates car once....

Rae!xx said...

That sounds brilliant and an idea I may have to use at some point..x

blueknight said...

Steve said Sometimes the funniest practical jokes are the ones that backfire on you.
This wa not a joke but it my as well have been.
I brought a packet curry for my refs. i followed the instructions on the packet which were put the two bags on a non metallic plate, pour a spoonful of water on the rice bag and use a fork to jab holes in the curry bag, then microwave. I did all this and left it to cook.
When I came back 3 mins later, with i min cooking time to go, I was horrified to see that the curry bag was grossly swollen and inflated and now looked like an old fashioned leather football in both size and colour.i quickly realised that the boiling curry had sealed the holes I had jabbed in the bag as efficiently as the gungy stuff Halfords sell to put in bike inner tubes to seal punctures.
Unwisely, as it turned out, I decided the quickest solution was to open the microwave door, which would turn the power off.
This I did, but by this time the curry bag had gone 'critical' and it exploded, taking the rice bag with it.
I spent the whole meal break cleaning the walls and the floor and the microwave. I did not have much to eat either. I only managed to salvage a couple of spoonfuls

Steve said...

Metcounty dear so that's why you've not been eating the lovely chicken dinners that I slave away to make for you!

You've been eating pizza at work!!

Anonymous said...

It is highly amusing to cable tie a colleges ladder to the roof of their van. When they undo the fixings but still can get the ladder off can take ages while they try to work out why....

Anonymous said...

Collect the glass from a broken door window. Shake the glass on the driver's side floor and seat, and place a large stone on the seat. Wind the driver's window right down.

Buy a greeting card with a pressure-operated musical widget that plays when pressed. Remove the widget from the card and insert inside the driver's seat.

Instead of prawns in the air vents (far too obvious), get some valerian tea. Make up a really, really strong mug of the stuff (if using tea bags empty the contents into the mug) and put that in the air vents. It stinks like really mingin' socks, so people tend to assume that either the other people in the car have BO or that the previous driver did.

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