Friday, 10 August 2007

Skippers and Magic

I feel it’s important to start this post by stating that I have huge respect for Sergeants in the Police Force. As someone who has created work for them on many, many occasions, I genuinely think it may well be the most difficult job in the Police. This post is not knocking Sergeants as a whole.


There is a Sergeant I meet regularly who just doesn’t “get” me. We’re both adults, we don’t hate each other, but he definitely doesn’t understand my attempts at a sense of humour and I don’t always agree with his decisions or supervising style. For “Job” readers – think “Towbar” and “evidence gathering” and “High Potential Development Scheme.”

For non-job readers; in a few very short years Chief Inspectors will be calling him “Sir,” and he will need to collect scalps to get there at that speed.

Unfortunately he seems to have me in his sights at the moment. A while back I was trundling back into the nick near the end of night duty and he saw me climb out of the van in the yard. He noticed I wasn’t wearing my protective vest, and decided to mention it to me, whilst shouting, in the middle of our divisional HQ. I did the “yes Sarge, sorry Sarge” bit, knowing that if I explained why I wasn’t wearing it, he would have continued unabated. For anyone interested, I had spent three hours sitting in a primary school waiting for Scenes of Crimes Officers and various interested parties to attend, and then taken a statement from a very elderly and tired old lady related to the incident – neither of the incidents needing a vest in my opinion, but technically I had no leg to stand on. He is correct, I should wear a vest at all times.

Fast forward two weeks, and I took a call to some naughty boys being naughty in a public place. Very warm, mid summer, and I ran round the back to cut off the naughty boys as I arrived on scene as I knew the area, leaving my crew mates in the nice air conditioned Police Vehicle. Of course, on seeing the aforementioned Police Vehicle the naughty boys made off, and we had a little chase.

Suffice to say it was more successful than my last but one post, with less mud etc. The incident was dealt with, and we headed back to the Police Vehicle. We were twenty minutes past our shift handover time, I’d ran twice and it was muggy, our batteries were dying, there was no way we were dealing with any more calls, so I took my vest off as we drove back to the nick to try and cool down and deal with the sweating..


I’m no good at punchlines, so I’m sure you can guess who was standing in the yard as we drove in.

I got out warily. I knew that this was not going to be a chat about my welfare.
Pissed Sergeant: “Area, a word, right now.”
Area: “Sarge?”
PS: “You’re not wearing your vest.”
Area: “No.”
PS: “You weren’t wearing it out on the street, I saw you driving in.”
Area: “No Sarge."
PS: “What do you think you’re playing at? I’ve told you before.”
Area: “ I have to warn you Sarge, I am the Wizard Hazakaboo from the Planet Printocknablatee, and if you continue to threaten me I will perform a spell that will make you into the size of a dormouse.”
PS: “…”

I swear to you, he actually stood with his mouth open like they do in the movies, and then walked away without saying anything.

The next day, one of my regular Sergeants approached me. He kicked the tyres of the station van and stared up at the sky nonchalantly.
Regular Sergeant: “Apparently Pissed Sergeant had a word with you yesterday…”
Area: “Yes Sarge.”
RS: “He said you weren’t wearing your vest.”
Area: “No Sarge.”
RS: “Apparently you said you were a wizard?”
Area: “Yes Sarge.”
RS: “And threatened to turn him into a weasel or something?”
Area: “A dormouse Sarge.”
RS: “Ah ha, a dormouse, very good.”
Pause, whilst the kicking sped up. The Sergeant started to fiddle with the windscreen wipers.
RS: “You do realise you were probably the only officer on the relief not wearing a vest at that moment, don’t you?”
Area: “I’m also the only Wizard on the relief Sarge.”
Longer pause…
RS: “Do you know, I thought you’d say that. Please leave Pissed Sergeant alone, he always complains of headaches after talking to you.”



Anonymous said...

i've seen a few like "sergeant pissed" in my time, they're not limited to the police service. best thing to do is chain them to a desk in an out of the way office filling out paperwork to be filed and forgotten. good sergeants on the other hand, in whatever service they might be found are to be treasured.
(got your e-mail, reply enroute, quite pleased to hear from you.)

Mark said...

*snerk* Actually, the punchline on that one sounds fine. You don't have an American cousin called "Skippy", do you....?

Anonymous said...

I actually ended up jumping around the kitchen with glee after reading that one. You are completely and utterly off your head. Congratulations.

Mousie said...

Wizard Hazakaboo from the Planet Printocknablatee?

You've been hanging around with grannysmythpeeler again haven't you?!

Negative Result said...

"...only Wizard on duty..."
But it's us SOCO's that have the magic wands (ahem).

Anonymous said...

as in "213 things private skippy is not allowed to do"?
i particularly endorse rule #206.

Anonymous said...

I reckon my Sgt would probably laugh at me if I said I was the Wizard Haskaboo from the Plant Printocknablatee, and infact I reckon he'd probably challenge me to turn one of the shift in to a Dormouse just for the fun of it.. but he's not a climber like Sergeant Pissed obviously is...

Good on ya Area! :)

But wear your vest till ya get back, don't want to be part of an honour guard for you!!!

You know who.

BelfastPeeler said...

I love a happy ending

Anathema said...

You know, there were a number of times while I was still in the Navy that assorted superior officers requested that I leave certain other officers alone. It seems that these other officers were complaining of headaches as well.
(And one time, my CO reqested that I "stop helping one LT look like an idiot, as he didn't need any help in that area.")

Anonymous said...

"Skippers and Magic" is a charming tale. I've moved your URL to "My Favourite Blogs". Thanks

Anonymous said...

As an old fart skipper on TSG,..Awsome! Why are you running around after juvvies on Borough, when you could be running around Mill Hill and Totteridge with us? Find me on 'Aware' outlook

Minty said...

Liking your style!

Whichendbites said...

Don't run, get a dog.

Area Trace No Search said...

Thankyou all - probably the best collection of comments I've had so far. All good, just haven't got the time to reply to all!

Gunner - I'll email you back shortly.

Simon - thanks for looking.

TSG skipper - I don't think I'm TSG material, love the idea but with my attempts at a sense of humour I don't think cooping me up with six lads all day every day is a good idea. I might end up getting restrained for my own safety.

Which End - I'd love a dog, but I've got little to no chance of getting through the interviews, again my attempts of sense of humour scupper any sensible points I may try and make.

The skippy rules made me laugh out loud. Repeatedly. Even on the second time of reading.

Valerian said...

Oh that's just classic!!! Reading this in the middle of the night and I had to shove my hand in my mouth to stop laughing out loud and waking the family! And the comments are just as good. I read the Skippy Rules some time ago and they are just as good every single time I go back to them for a refill. I agree - you must be related, somewhere along the line :) Do keep up the blog, please. While it may be hard to find incidents you can write about safely, we're out here waiting to see what you have to say ... not always patiently :)

PCFrankyFact said...

That is an absolutely top quality tale.
Loved it.
Pissed myself.
I had a Sgt like that 10yrs or so back.
Took an instant dislike to me after the following conversation.
Sgt. "Who's the new lad coming on your shift Fact?"
Fact. "Dunno Sarge. Some skinny newbie from HQ."
Sgt "HA! Wont fit in on your shift very well then will he? Bnch of fat lads!"
Fact. "Yeah, good one Sarge. I'd probably fail my firearms fit test too. (Him having just done so.)
Tumbleeeds blow through the canteen as I walk nonchalently passed his smirking crew.
Oh the joys we had after that.

Anonymous said...

That is bloody genius. There's nothing like a bit of Derren Brown conversation to throw them off. I may think twice about doing it myself though.

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