Saturday 22 December 2007

Zrobic Loda

Last night, I was at a call to a private premises. Without giving too much away, there was alcohol involved. And although there was one mother, there were as many dads as there were kids - and most called the dad/husband figures by their first name.

I had kindly left my partner to talk to the very drunk, half dressed behemoth that was supposedly the female victim of this call. She reminded me very much of one of Terry Pratchett's female trolls.

I was outside the flat, letting the wind play with the collar of my gortex jacket and idly wondering how long I would wait outside before the cold drove me back to the flat with the abusive drunken female troll.

Approximately until Hell froze over, if you were wondering.

As any member of any uniformed service will testify, if you stand still long enough you will get a crowd. For some reason, the less interesting the activity you are doing, the more likely it is you will get a large and dedicated following. In my case, it was of a group of young lads.

Area: "What's happening, lads?"
Lad 1: "Have you got a light, mate?"
Area: "No."
Lad 2: "Has someone been killed?"
Area: (sotto voice) "Not yet."
Lad 2: "Huh?"
Area: "Nothing".
Lad 3: "Have you ever shot anyone?"
Area: "Only for asking stupid questions."

This went on for a while - The boys were happy whilst distracted, and I realised that I could use as much sarcasm as I liked without causing offence.
However, something inside of me felt I should take the initiative.

Area: "So what do you want Father Christmas to bring you this year?"
Lad 1: "A Blowjob."
Area: "Ah... right..."

You and me both mate, you and me both...


TWINING said...

ASNT you will see that you are mentioned on my placards post. By the way, here's my autograph...Twining....Be safe mate. Without good people we are all alone. I know and feel you are a good dude!

Anonymous said...

here's a good place and time to say it, merry christmas ANST and all on board, and a happy and safe new year to come.

Farfromok said...

oh you do crack me up! best written police blog out there, keep it up next year mate

RandomPinkness said...

I so hope he specifies in his letter to Santa a specific giver of said gift, as opposed to Santa having to do it himself...

It is so wrong that's the first thing I thought isn't it? Well, anyhoo, Happy Christmas/New Year m'dear.

Dark Side said...

I wish I could have seen your face when he said a great christmas Area..xx

Roses said...

I hope you get your Christmas wish, but that it get delivered by a scantily clad elf! (and not in a Will Ferrell-way either) he he he.

(or is that entirely inappropriate of me?)

Minty said...

Kids eh.... I got well and truly put in my place by a 3 year old last week. Asked her what Father Christmas was bringing her, got a look that was scathing and told "Presents". Ask a daft question...
Merry Christmas anyway

Anonymous said...

All the lad meant was that he was actively seeking employment in the glass-making field and was hoping for a positive reply to his recent application for employment would arrive in the christmas post.

Nothing sexual at all.

Roses said...

Changing the subject (or perhaps not as the case may be) I hope you have a great New Year and 2008 brings you lots of love, laughter and dosh!

Area Trace No Search said...

Thanks all, as always.

Twining, I have replied... and I am going to come. If I get the annual leave!

Gunner, I'll email you.

farfromok, that is very very kind, and however deluded you are I appreciate it. And will no doubt be using that quote on the blurb of my book.

Pinkness, yes, that is wrong. Nothing more to say on that subject.

Emma, I pride myself on my straight face, but think I let myself down on this occasion.

Roses: Not quite, but a lovely thought!

Minty - well, quite.

Guvnor, to you as well. Belatedly.

Andy... Where is your blog? Please tell me you have one.

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